Harry Potter, but better
by Zombies8Me
Summary: The best fanficiton ever made...maybe...almost...well kind of.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. No really, I'm not a rich English writer . . . if you can believe that.

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Once upon a time, a dark wizard without any hair, nose, pigment, brains, girlfriend, money, decent clothing or pupils, held an evil meeting. "Ah Snape. You take the seat next to me. Yaxley, sit at the 'stupid little wizards' table with Lucius and the other losers."

"But I have important news!" Yaxley whined.

"Fine tell me." Voldemort flicked his wand, filling his tequila jug up again, belching as he raised the gallon-size amount of liquor to his non-existent lips. It was such a large amount of liquor it could kill you. Voldemort took a sip and spat it out. "Blah! What is this?"

"It's tequila, my dark master. (Watered done to .3% alcohol content)."

"I'm not drinking this! Go get me some barbecue sauce on the double before I mercilessly murder Lucius."

Lucius burst into violent sobs. "Master doesn't love _me!_"

"Alright! Fine! Shut up! He's too annoying anyway!" Voldemort rubbed his throbbing head. "In the words of my great patron, Scar, from the Lion King, I'm surrounded by idiots."

"The Order of the Phoenix is secretly going to—" Yaxley began.

"Stop I don't care. Did you not hear me? You're a _loser_." And everyone laughed at the full-grown men sitting at the 'stupid little wizards' table. "And Snape?"

"Name: Harry Potter. Age: 16. Hobbies include: Bow-hunting, num-chucking, drinking, smoking, taking pictures of super models, kidnapping grandmas, and beating up poor defenseless orphans," Snape ranted.

"Psh. Where'd you hear that?" Lucius accused, pouting.

"Wikipedia, loser. Go back to your wallowing in self pity," Snape hissed.

"Ah! Excellent." Voldemort tapped his fingers together. "Good. First I need a wand. Lucius. Give me yours! You don't get nice things."

"But _master_." Lucius cried, tears rolling down his albino face. "_I really want it! Please master? Pretty please with sugar on top, can I keep my wand? You can beat up my whiny son for it? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry and full of vodka and PLEASE???_" Lucius's voice cracked cause the forty-year-old man hadn't actually gone through puberty yet.

"SHUT-UP!" Voldemort screamed, his voice cracked too. "We're the _bad_ guys. We don't say 'pretty please with sugar on top'." Lucius cried some more, handing Voldemort his wand. "Ew! I don't want _this_! What did you get it at _Wand-mart_ or something?" Voldemort yelled. "Ha! I made a joke! Everyone laugh before I kill you!" Everyone laughed nervously at the Dark Lord's very lame joke. He whispered something to his snake, who then started beating the living crap out of Lucius and Yaxley, and Lucius's freaky sister who stalked him on Facebook.

"This is all warm and fuzzy, but if we don't give Harry some face time, we're going to get sued…by _Disney!_" Snape told Voldemort.

"Disney? I thought they were all dead."

"They're like Zombies master…they're too stupid to know when they're dead." Snapes eyes were wide with the horror he spoke of.

"Note to self. Kill Disney, Lucius, Yaxley, Snape, and _then_ Harry Potter, and bury them all in the Weasleys' backyard."

* * *

Harry was looking at his fat relatives. They were all so fat they stood in front of the sun, and caused a solar eclipse. They were giggling balls of fat or jell-o…Mm, jell-o. If they were made of jell-o then at least he could eat them!

The two wizards sent to help his relatives were pacing on the floor, trying to think of a way they could get their massive fat bodies through the little door. "I guess we have no choice but to kill you then!" The wizard clapped his hands together happily.

"That's terrible! Simply terrible! We need to spread peace and hope and joy…and joyfulness, and flowers and rainbows, and butterflies!" A witch cried, falling on the couch, wailing, overcame by her own speech of peace. "Incidentally, how did you get out of the house before?" The witch asked, looking up.

"What? There's something _outside_ of the house, fridge and tele?" Harry's fat cousin, Dudley, asked. His eyes were wide.

"I thought you were wrestling?" the wizard asked him, as Dudley shoved a whole cake in his mouth.

"Yeah. Sumo wrestling. It's the way to get all the babes…and cake too. Mm cake. I like cake…" He drooled. "Especially chocolate cake. I love licking all the frosting off, so it's just a naked cake, and then I eat it whole…mmm. Cake sounds good right now doesn't it? Hey! Ugly wizard! Make me a cake!" he ordered.

"I do not take orders from fat kids." The wizard stuck his nose up in the air.

"What? I wasn't talking to you. Hey! You!" he yelled at the witch.

She stared at him. "Okay. You can kill him now."

Dudley was shoving things into his mouth still. "Well if we're going to go, then I have to clean out the fridge."

"Hey! I wanted to do that!" his fat father raced him to the kitchen, and fell five times, unable to walk properly when they were shaped for rolling. "Help!" Harry's uncle called, when they had both gotten stuck in the doorway. "I'm stuck!" he cried.

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That is chapter one...because I was too lazy to write it all together.

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 2009


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